I just locked down [most] of my journal for privacy reasons. It's my journal, ya know? It shouldn't act as a means to be an attention whore, showcase photography, rant to the world, etc.

Thus, this journal is now friends only and private. Goodbye.



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It's ok to let yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. -Mick Jagger

I would like to take this opportunity to thank God for always sending someone in my life to help me stand when I’m weak.

When you lose something, it always comes back in another form.

It's like I've been sick my entire life without knowing it and this is the medicine.

Beautiful place. Beautiful people. Awesome drinks. Awesome games. Late night strolls. Late night meals. Laughs. Lots of laughs. Boobs. Lots of boobs. Playing in the water. Playing in the bars. Playing in the hotel room. Playing in the streets.

In a nutshell, everything almost everything about Miami was lovely.

However, nothing compares to how happy my intestines and I were to use our own bathroom again. I <3 my toilet.

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sunrise

More pictures tomorrow.

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Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. -Lucille Ball

Although it is certain that some things are true whether one believes them or not, it is also undeniable that other things are NOT true no matter how much one believes in it. An analogy of this proposal, though not tangible, is definitely LOVE. Romantic love is not real; there is no such thing as true love. Though at times it may appear as if love is present, one must remember that it is merely supplementary factors which are existent. These other factors range from infatuation to companionship. Yet, it is quite accurate to state that romantic love is ironically one of the most sought after sensations in the world – humans simply do not realize that it exists only in the mind’s eye. There are numerous issues which prove that romantic love is merely an impossible fabrication due to its unattainable characteristics.


This bible verse portrays love as infallible – and indeed it is, according to that depiction. Unfortunately, it is utterly unachievable. It is quite certain that those who are in “love” have experienced anger, brooded over injuries, and experienced jealousy. Though they may not always admit it, there is no doubt that they have felt it within their hearts at one point or another. The flaw in society’s inability to obtain romantic love is simply its imperfection; love, on the other hand, is perfect. There is no perfect male, and there is no perfect female – therefore, there is no perfect love. Yet, that is a contradiction within itself, for love is perfect. Hence, there is literally no way to obtain romantic love.

The only way that this supposed “romantic love” could be used is for personal gain. One can feign love for gifts, lust, money, attention, etc. It is quite factual that this does not always occur. Yet, romantic love is still undoubtedly selfish. One falls in love because the other’s company is pleasing, or the other makes one feel “warm and fuzzy” inside. It is all personal gain. There is no way that anyone would ever fall in love with another merely to make THEM happy – humans, being inherently selfish, do not work that way. Though it is possible that one cares for another deeply, there is always an inadequacy to one’s moderation, contradicting the statement that “there is no limit to [love’s] forbearance.” For example, if one’s significant other is unfaithful, one does not bear with it and forgive. This is due to the fact that one’s pride has been injured, and “love” thinks only of itself.

Though many feel that they are deeply in love, their relationship may fall into various possible categories. The most common “love” is infatuation. This is when one wakes up thinking of that special someone, spends the day thinking about him/her, and falls asleep with thoughts of the lover. A more extreme case of this relationship is OBSESSION. Simply put, those who are obsessed feel that they need the other person in order to function on a daily basis, crediting their dependence to “love.” Yet another relationship that is commonly confused with love is friendship. This is derived from countless discussions, immeasurable fun, and just the basic “I’ll scratch your back and you’ll scratch mine” concept. There are always trouble spots, and altercations are almost guaranteed to occur. These relationships are definitely blemished at some points, which is why they cannot be categorized as love.

What is love? It is a deception which is utterly unreachable due to the impossible conditions which must be present for it to truly exist. Love is commonly believed to be a feeling of bliss. In most cases, these “blissful” feelings are nothing more than simple infatuations. Love is not really how a person feels about another, but what he or she believes or expects that person to be. In layman’s terms, love is the feeling that one might have over what is believed to be his or her platonic ideal or perfect match. Unfortunately, this ultimately portrays that society is blindly striving towards a virtually unobtainable phenomenon – LOVE.

M.S.
January 31, 2001
English1301

DISCLAIMER: I don't REALLY believe in this essay. It was in senior year of high school (duel credit that counted for freshman english in college also), and the assignment was to write a definition essay on love. It was around Valentine's Day, and I wanted to give my paper a different twist. So yeah, I believe in love, but I think a lot of people believe they're in love when they're really not. So, in conclusion, yes, I am jaded, but I am open-minded to the fact that someone may be able to prove me wrong.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/joe/ibelieveinyou.html

Weird dream.

In the dream, somehow, we were somewhere together. He was trying to finish a project or something. I was already done doing whatever I was gonna do, but I was pretending that I wasn’t done. Then, he finished, and he kept saying, “c’mon, let’s go..” and he went into my room. I was still lingering outside, b/c I wasn’t sure if I should go w/him or not. There was this ragdoll (like the one on Mulan) hanging from the ceiling where I was. I kept staring at it, wondering what I should do. Then, I took a straight pin and stuck the pin through its eye, starting from the back of its head. Thus, it was still hanging from the ceiling w/the sharp end of the pin coming straight out of its eye socket. It was pointing downwards at me, and I kept staring at it, wondering what I should do. Finally, I decided to follow him, so I reached up to take the pin out, and it pricked my finger. I pulled my hand away, and I saw that my blood had stained the doll around its eye. Blood trickled from my finger as I stared at it in disbelief. Everything seemed so surreal.

Wow, that was disturbing.

I sound like I have psychological disorders.

It's funny. haha.

I was just talking to my friend Christian, and I was reminded of a dismal/amusing story. Well, I deem that it is sad, but Christian insists that it is hilarious.

Ok, so once upon a time (last week), we brought the kids to Splashtown on a fieldtrip. Well, I had Class A, which consists of ages 5-6. The kiddie water playground is an island. You have to cross the fake river thing to get to it. Well, the river’s current is pretty damn strong, but you wouldn’t know that until you stepped in. I guess it’s smart, b/c the kids can’t really escape the island w/o getting swept away. So it’s safer since that’s the only exit/entrance.

Since kids will be kids, the got overexcited and pretty much jumped in. They don’t weigh enough to walk through the current, so they started getting pulled away. My CITs and I rushed in to rescue them so quickly that Batman would've been proud.

Three of these lovely children resorted to screaming, “AUGHHH! MS. MARY!!!!!!” and they proceeded to grab onto anything that they could latch their little hands onto. This included my arms, legs, and swimsuit. My arms and legs stayed attached; my swimsuit did not.

There I was, in the middle of this river with 3 kids hanging onto me for dear life, trying to keep my swimsuit on while struggling to cross the river.. it was not a pretty picture, man. To make matters worse, I apparently don’t weigh enough to have 3 chubby children pulling on me, so we were getting dragged down the river also…. Finally, this stranger with an absurdly huge grin helped me out by grabbing the kids and putting them on the island.

So finally, we reached our destination. The kids frolicked about in the playground, immediately forgetting their near death experience. Me? I collapsed on one of those fake rocks and tried not to have a heart attack.

And thus ends my tragic tale....

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"I would rather live in a world where
my life is surrounded by mystery
than live in a world so small
that my mind could comprehend it."
-Henry Emerson Fosdick

P.S. Thanks, Xavier, for calling and telling me about the beautiful sunset. I took lots of pics. :)

"I don't hate them; I pity them. Do you know why? Some people will never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes."
-Nightcrawler

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Many nights we pray
With no proof anyone could hear
And our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understand
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we know we could

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
Ohhhhh
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see you way safe through the rain
Thoughts of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near
-mariah carey & whitney houston

If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned .... Tyler

[from the Fight Club DVD]

"We are each others angels, we meet when it is time." This quote by Chuck Brodsky thoroughly depicts my intentions when I chose the community service project. I truly wanted to make a difference in someone’s life. I am aware of the fact that thirty service hours would not make a dent in the world’s problems, but I sought to help at least one child. It may not be a lot to the world, but to that child, it would be everything, and that was my ultimate goal. But, to be honest, the minute I stepped into the school, I was blown away. It wasn’t because of the overwhelming amount of pint-size kids running around or by the few wonderfully colorful decorations in the hallway, but because of the mere "ghetto-ness" of the place. My first thought was, “Whoa, this place looks a lot like a prison.” The place was Dodson Elementary School. I had never in my life been to such a school; I had always had the privilege – a privilege that I took for granted until now – of attending Fort Bend ISD schools. In my schools, we always had everything we needed plus more, from books to computers to anything that could possibly aid the learning process. At Dodson, there was no such thing. For example, the library consists of a regular-sized classroom with multiple bookshelves on each side. There are not even enough books to let the students check them out.

With such low resources, I thought that the majority of the teachers and faculty would make the most out of what they had. Although it is undeniable there are those individuals who truly care, there is no doubt that Dodson Elementary is in dire need of more. I saw some teachers who were more concerned about themselves than the kids, which is ironic, because, supposedly, the primary reason that they are there is FOR the kids. One teacher said, “Hurry up, you guys are cutting into my lunch period! Don’t irritate me like you did yesterday!” What shocked me was that it wasn’t that they were horsing around and playing – they were struggling to complete their vocabulary words!

The aspect that bothers me the most about this is that these kids need more people to care. They need more encouraging words and love – they just need people to care about them. Many of these students come from homes where their parents are in and out of jail or on and off of drugs and alcohol. One little boy that I dealt with came to school last year in girl clothes that were two sizes too small for him. Apparently, whenever his mother has a new boyfriend, the child is neglected. This is a little boy that runs up to me every time that he sees me and gives me a huge bear hug – which is hard for him to do, because he’s so utterly tiny. Robert is nine years old, but he looks like he is six. It breaks my heart every time I see him, because I see so much potential in this little boy. But he is so afraid of people abandoning him that he cried his eyes out when I told him that I wouldn’t be able to come every Thursday any longer. I informed him that I would come every other Friday instead, and he didn’t believe me. This little boy was so accustomed to people assuring him comfort and love and never coming back that he thought I was lying to him.

What is shocking about this is that I had only tutored him about four times. I knew almost nothing about his personal life – I only taught him math. And yet, he was so utterly attached. I tutored Robert, Tawana, and Latrelle in math every Thursday for an assigned forty-five minutes. Yet, it seemed that we would always go over our time limit, for they were always reluctant to leave. I also tutored four Hispanic students in reading. It amazed me how zealous they were about reading. To me, it seemed that they would be frustrated, because it was very difficult for them to read. Yet, every time, they begged me to just go over “one more chapter, pleaaaaaaaase.” They even taught me some Spanish words, such as, “¿Qué Pasa?” There were numerous other students that I tutored that had behavioral or learning disabilities, such as dyslexia. In addition, I also regularly helped in the library. I helped the sixth graders and the second graders with all of their activities, from making posters to coloring to reading their books. I felt that presiding over the kids was not as effective as interacting with them. I always sat with them at their tables and did what they were doing. When these students saw that someone actually cared, it was obvious that they were so much more efficient in being on task. They were eager to do their work so they could run up and show it to me. I always told them, “Good job!” This simple phrase was the approval that they strove to receive, and it was evident as they stood there beaming with pride.

I was ecstatic to know that I brightened up their day, but the truth is, they did the same for me. Every Thursday when I walked out of Dodson Elementary, there was always a huge smile plastered across my face. Sure, I taught the kids math and reading, but in doing so, I learned so much more. One of the things I learned was that life isn’t always fine and dandy. Some of the things horrified me at first. Robert’s childhood experience is more than I have endured in my whole life. Imagine that, having to go through so much at a young age. Yet, these kids never gave up. They still woke up every morning and showed up at school. In my eyes, they possessed more courage than many grown men that I have met in my lifetime. I also realized how incredibly lucky I was to grow up in the environment that I grew up in. I had so many more opportunities, and I took them all for granted – every single one of them.

I suppose that was because when your needs are met, you don’t ask where they come from. I just moved on to the next level, just like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. My physiological, safety, and love/belongingness needs were definitely met; thus, I was able to concentrate on the esteem and self-actualization needs. These kids were still working on their love/belongingness needs, and some were even unfortunate to still lack their physiological needs. Because of this, they were not learning on their level. The sixth graders could barely read on a second grade level. When I was in sixth grade, the majority of my class was already reading on a high school level. We were blessed enough to have our needs met, therefore, we were able to work on higher levels of learning. In addition, in observing the sixth graders, I noticed that their interaction with each other was more of a cooperative play. They played games that required rules and teamwork. In contrast, the second graders functioned primarily on associative play. They were past the parallel play stage; they were not merely using the same materials without interaction with one another. In fact, they were sharing supplies and cooperating with each other in their activities, though it was at a minimum.

I gave these kids a little bit of my time, and, in turn, they gave me all of themselves. They had nothing; they didn’t have the expensive shoes or designer clothes. All they wanted was love, and fortunately for them, love doesn’t cost a thing. As I walked out of the school for my last Thursday, I knew that I would be coming back as often as I could. I wanted to watch Robert, Tawana, Latrelle, and the whole gang grow up. When I walked into the school for the first time, I expected to be someone’s angel. I certainly accomplished my goal, but there was also an unanticipated aspect of my escapade. There is no doubt in my mind that I have met my angels. However, these pint-size angels do not inhabit heaven. They dwell in the classrooms of Dodson Elementary, and, more importantly, they are forever in my heart.

“To say 'I love you,' one must first know how to say the 'I'.”

It makes perfect sense. Before you can love someone or something, you MUST have a clear and completely concrete idea of what you hold dear, of what you value. In other words, a clear and inviolable sense of self is required to really love someone.

This then begs the question: If you do not have this sense of self, can you truly love someone?